I phantasised about spanking as long as I can remember. I both wanted and dreaded to be spanked. Sometimes I heard my father argue with my mother because he thought I needed a spanking but she was against it.
I sat there with my ear pressed to the door. Shivering.
It never happened.
But a friend and me created a game. We would chase each other and the one being caught would get spanked by the other. I was crazy about that game we only played it when we were alone. When he caught me I felt so helpless and it really hurt, but when I could catch him I felt amazing, powerful. Then he moved away and I didn't think anyone else could understand that I liked to play this game.
My parents splitted up recently and I'm living with my mother now. It doesn't feel like home and I miss my dad very much. Sometimes I wonder if things were different if she had just let him spank me. I'm sure it would have hurt a lot but I doubt it could hurt as much as this dreadful feeling in my chest.