Milk

Just prior to the decade of the nineteen-sixties, when Sputnik was alone and new, and about the time that Ken Kesey took his first acid trip as a medical volunteer;
before underground newspapers, Viet Nam, and talk of a second American Revolution; in the comparative quiet of the late nineteen- fifties, just before the idea of
RENAISSANCE became relevant....

Two young Californians, known later as Omar Ravenhurst and Malaclypse the Younger, were indulging in their habit of sipping coffee at an allnight bowling alley
and generally solving the world's problems. This particular evening the main subject of discussion was discord and they were complaining to each other of the
personal confusion they felt in their respective lives. »Solve the problem of discord,« said one, »and all other problems will vanish.« »Indeed,« said the other, "chaos
and strife are the roots of all confusion."

First I Must Sprinkle You With Fairy Dust

Suddenly the place became devoid of light. Then an utter silence enveloped them, and a great stillness was felt. Then came a blinding flash of intense light, as though
their very psyches had gone nova. Then vision returned.

The two were dazed and neither moved nor spoke for several minutes. They looked around and saw that the bowlers were frozen like statues in a variety of comic
positions, and that a bowling ball was steadfastly anchored to the floor only inches from the pins that it had been sent to scatter. The two looked at each other,
totally unable to account for the phenomenon. The condition was one of suspension, and one noticed that the clock had stopped.

There walked into the room a chimpanzee, shaggy and grey about the muzzle, yet upright to his full five feet, and poised with natural majesty. He carried a scroll
and walked to the young men.

»Gentlemen,« he said, "why does Pickering's Moon go about in reverse orbit? Gentlemen, there are nipples on your chests; do you give milk? And what, pray tell,
Gentlemen, is to be done about Heisenberg's Law?» He paused. «SOMEBODY HAD TO PUT ALL OF THIS CONFUSION HERE!"

And with that he revealed his scroll. It was a diagram, like a yin- yang with a pentagon on one side and an apple on the other. And then he exploded and the two
lost consciousness.

Humans are the only mammals who continue to drink milk
past infancy. Most humans, anyway. As a rule, Asians do
not consume dairy products. Pizza Hut tried to establish
a presence in China during the 1980s, and failed because
to the Chinese, the thought of eating cheese was disgusting.

Milk is mostly made out of water and fat and comes out of the udders of cows. It's the favorite drink of calves, but they have to drink something different as humans get the milk.

One time we had a sleepover at Stu's house. We were down in the basement playing Dungeons and Dragons, and we were all wired on soda and junk food. It must have been four or five in the morning. I'm not sure why, but I started yelling,

»MILK! MILK!«

We laughed. A lot. It was the funniest thing I had ever done, at the time.

Unfortunately, whenever I'm with someone who was there that night, all those years ago, they never neglect to ask me if I want a glass of milk.

If milk is not at hand, one can eat yogurt, possibly munch on pretzels, and vicariously warble on about almost nothing at all. This is a substitute (and a very good one) for milk, preferably for use in its absence. Yum. Yum. Yum.

Now my hair is nappy and I don´t wear no clothes of silk,
Now my hair is nappy and I don´t wear no clothes of silk,
But the cow that´s black and ugly, has often got the sweetest milk.