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on May 27th 2000, 06:07:54, seraphim wrote the following about

fear

i stare at the mirror, not so much at my reflection, but at the white stuff, as if i were trying to seek the future. my friend has invited me to go clubbing, which is something i've never done before. i'm no social butterfly, i'm too used to staying at home. i don't want to know anyone else's opinion because i don't care. but not caring just a little about what anyone thinks about things doesn't make conversation very exciting, now does it? people must think i'm a snob or something because i don't say anything, i don't talk to anyone, i keep to myself. this has kept me happy for a while because some people are just idiots: i really don't need to test my patience that way. but it's lonely. i've never had a fuck. i'm ready to surrender myself to somebody, anybody! but i fear i have nothing to give. what if i'm boring? what if they don't like me for who i really am? my friends offered me a makeover because i'm too grungy for a gay guy. oh sure, i'm funny, but i'm not a looker. i don't know how to conduct myself in a club. i don't know how to dance. i'm afraid i'll cling to my friends without the courage to ask somebody to come with me to the men's room for a fuck. how do you ask a guy for that? i don't know how. in five minutes, my friends will be here and i will take the first plunge into, into what? joy, stupidity? i bring my fingers to another shiner on my forehead, and give it a slight squeeze.


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