Wife

Kevin looked at Dill, who had extended her arm for a handshake. It didn't mean anything, he realized. If she got her hands on the Dictaphone again, she'd certainly use it to change Kevin, permanently, as many times as it took to force him to agree with her.

That wife. He'd show her.

He pressed down the record button. »Stop right where you are, all of you, and don't come any closer.«

Dill's eyes widened in panic.

»Kevin, don't be hasty! You're one of us now! A Kevin! We're all on the same team!«

»That's right, I'm a Kevin now. I'll always be on the Kevins team. You've damn well made sure of that.« Kevin smiled, and not in a nice way. »But Dill, there's no U in TEAM.«

»You can't do that!«

»Can't I? You did it to me.« He pressed the record button again. »Except for you and I, everyone in this building is going to stop what they're doing and take a nap.«

The other wifes immediately went to sleep, leaving only Kevin and Dill.

»No matter how either of us change, I'm always going to recognize you, Dill. I'm never going to forget what you did to me, I'm never going to forgive you, and I'm always going to hate you for it. These things will always be true and nothing at all can ever change them.«

»Kevin, please. I'm begging you, just let it go.«

Kevin shook his head. »Weren't you paying attention just now? I literally can't forgive you. You don't deserve it and you never will.«

»Please, I'll do anything! I'll be your boss forever!«

»Remember this thing in my hand that changes reality? There's nothing you can offer me that I can't just take. For example, this...« He held the button down. »I have a second set of memories where I was always a Kevin. I think of myself as a Kevin and I like being a Kevin. Everyone else except Dill only remembers me as a Kevin.«

»What? Why are you so dead set on hating me if you were going to turn yourself into a Kevin anyway?!«

Kevin laughed. »Dill, you are so retarded! You turned me into a Kevin and nothing is ever going to change that. Why wouldn't I want to make myself happy with it? Did you think I was going to stay unhappy forever just because I hate you? Why would I give you that satisfaction?«

»Kevin...«

»Speaking of satisfaction, would you like one last moment with your wife?«

»Yes, and I'd like to put it off for a while. Ninety years, then you can turn me into a man.«

»A man? When did I ever say I was going to make you a man?« Kevin laughed, cruelly. »Dill, you have no itelligence, no brain, no secondary characteristics, and you can't be attracted to anybody or feel pleasure from anything. Nothing can ever make you a man and nothing can ever make you a girl. Nobody else can ever be turned into the same kind of thing you are.«

Dill's body collapsed in on itself. She nearly disappeared. She lost most of her height, as well. Even 5" Kevin could look over the top of her head.

It's hard for me to imagine myself as a wife someday. I think it was easier for my mother to imagine her future that way.

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife:

Dear Wife,
You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs that you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife and sincerely hope that you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight.
Your Husband

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

Dear Husband,
You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Since you are the mathematician, you will appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, don't wait up.

I led three lives – I mean I had three wives. Actually the meaning is the same if you think about it. I have no contact with the one in the middle. The first one died recently, but I have a reasonably good relationship with wife number three to this day.