Wife

It's hard for me to imagine myself as a wife someday. I think it was easier for my mother to imagine her future that way.

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife:

Dear Wife,
You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs that you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife and sincerely hope that you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight.
Your Husband

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

Dear Husband,
You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Since you are the mathematician, you will appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, don't wait up.

I led three lives – I mean I had three wives. Actually the meaning is the same if you think about it. I have no contact with the one in the middle. The first one died recently, but I have a reasonably good relationship with wife number three to this day.

Wow, neat! Henny Youngman's classic one-liner...

Take my wife...please!

...is a complete joke in just four words.

Top that, will ya!