Wife

It's hard for me to imagine myself as a wife someday. I think it was easier for my mother to imagine her future that way.

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife:

Dear Wife,
You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs that you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife and sincerely hope that you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight.
Your Husband

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

Dear Husband,
You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Since you are the mathematician, you will appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, don't wait up.

A woman and her lover are in bed together when suddenly, her husband comes home. The woman jumps up, shoves the guy in a corner of the bedroom, rubs him down in baby oil and covers him in talcum powder. »Don't move! You're a statue!« she says. The husband comes up to the bedroom and inquires about the new decoration. The wife explains that the Smith family next door acquired a statue for their bedroom recently, and if they could get one, so could she. The married couple go to bed, but at midnight the husband goes downstairs, gets a glass of milk and some cookies and comes back upstairs. He hands the snack to the 'statue' and says, »Here. I stood around for 3 days at the Smiths', and they never fed me a thing!«

Barbara Walters had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands. She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives. Ms. Walters approached one of the women for an explanation. »This is marvelous,« she said. »What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?« The Kuwaiti woman replied, »Land mines.«