I am not suicidal by NATURE. In this world of
what appears to be encroaching mass-insanity
suicide is sometimes forced on people as a matter
of community vengeance of some kind. Whatever
the reason, it appears to be happening more than
ANYONE knows and the silence about it is alarming.
The »Suicide Squeeze« appears to have me in its
grip and no matter what I do to try to be reasonable about
how great life is and can be, no one seems to
want to understand that life for me is a good
thing. When I go in a positive direction, like
going to school, or church, or sports, or work
all I get are INTANGIBLE WALLS, but when I
examine suicide as an option, the road to it,suicide,
clears like Sunday morning traffic on Main St.Vancouver!
If i try booze or drugs, everything is fine,
but if I try to go straight, the intangible WALLS
appear!Like some-one is saying 'yES!Thats the way"
So, today, I'm forced to examine the prevalence
of suicidal behaviour in others, hoping somehow
to find some kind of way out of this community-suicide-
squeeze.I am non-white,Native ancestry,Catholic,
love to play music, a weight-lifter, not working
at this time, but completed a Carpentry course
in 2001, an amateur radio operator(ve7mdo), a
martial artist of sorts. My father was a cop and
a military policeman. I don't use drugs habitually
or drink alcohol at all. I have eaten a lot of
shit from people though, but I don't whine about it
for fear that I might be seen as bragging.
I've NEVER mentioned suicide to anyone else in any
context, so I can't claim to be using suicide as
a means of meeting an end. I am not abusive,
or abrasive and am not a homosexual.I love
construction work, but can't seem to keep jobs
longer than 14 days, it's true I am not handsome
but the last 4 jobs I had never went beyond 14
days before I was told I was no longer needed!
I can't get welfare in British Columbia, and so
after this brief respite of living in a shelter
until Feb 5th, I will be forced to live on the
streets of Vancouver, again! Repeat, I am not suicidal!
In case though, that I am forced into it,
through some intangible means, I want you to know
that I have had some unbelievably great times, and
so, feel no remorse as such, but i feel that
I have failed in some way to understand what it
is that I have done so wrong, that the only
prescription is suicide. I studied Psych and
learned a bit about Crisis Intervention, was raised
by Nuns for 6 years in an orphanage. Anyway,
I will offer a tentative reason, that being
that therer appears to be some kind of racial
discordance, something along the lines of "
The only good Native is a DEAD one." Well, there's
my input on Suicide for anyone to view. I don't
expect that I will suicide but the notion has been
honting me lately. The scary thing though is that
you never think it will happen to you, always
others suicide. I'm waking to the notion that
yes! It can happen to me also. Thank you for this
space to examine this frightening epidemic and
how it affects me.