Football

The family resemblance between football and war is, indeed, striking. Their languages are similar: field general, long bomb, blitz, take a shot, front line, pursuit, good hit, the draft and so on. Their principles and practices are alike: mass hysteria, the art of intimidation, absolute command and total obedience, territorial aggression, censorship, inflated insignia and propaganda, blackboard maneuvers and strategies, drills, uniforms, formations, marching bands and training camps. And the virtues they celebrate are almost identical: hyper-aggressiveness, coolness under fire and suicidal bravery.
One difference between war and football, though, ist that there is little or no protest against football.

Oh, nice! There´s a »Cowboys Haters Page«! We should have a few of these pages for our German Bundesliga!

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Q: What has 100 legs, 100 eyes, 50 mouths, and 3 big buttholes?
A: The Dallas Cowboys (The buttholes are named Deion Sanders, Micheal Irvin, and Erik Williams)



If you despise the Dallas Cowboys, you're reading the right Web page. I loathe this so-called team. From that giant spittoon that they call a stadium to the cheap
shots by overfed and overpaid goons that always seem to go unnoticed by the refs. I laughed out loud while watching Deion being clobbered at Ericsson Stadium
and the drama that followed during the 1996 divisional playoffs. I cheered when the 'Pokes were eliminated from the playoff race halfway through the 1997 season.
I dance the dance of joy over the fact that the »World Champs« of 1995 were completely thrashed by the Packers at Lambeau Field last year! May that be the first
of many such performances by the Cryboys.



Q: Why does Texas Stadium have Astroturf?
A: To keep the fans from grazing during the game.



Q: What is Micheal Irvin's favorite color?
A: Powder white



Q: How do you make Deion Sanders slower than a snail?
A: Call a pass route through a metal detector and wait for him to remove his jewelry.
From the folks at Semex, INC. – Madison, WI



Jerry Jones was really upset with Irvin for the hotel room incident. After all, Irvin did get caught with coke instead of Pepsi.
From Andrew H Schultz



Jones was overheard yelling at Irvin: I said Pepsi and Nike, not coke and nookie!
This one from too many people to credit!



Q: How do you get a Cowboy to stand up?
A: Say »Will the defendant please rise.«
From an anonymous emailer



Q: Four Cowboys are traveling down the road. Who is driving?
A: The police officer!
From Wayne, Sun Prairie, WI







Q: Why did Micheal Irvin ask to be traded to Green Bay? (ugh! perish the thought – swash)
A: He heard there was plenty of »snow« and all of it was free.
From another anonymous emailer



What do Cowboy fans and hemorrhoids have in common?
They're both a pain in the butt and never seem to go away completely.
From another anonymous emailer

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etc. etc. etc.

I started off with torn ligaments in my knee at 13. Then, as the organization and the competition increased, the injuries came faster and harder. Broken nose (three times), broken jaw (fractured in the first half and dismissed as a »bad wisdom tooth,« so I played with it for the rest of the game), ripped knee ligaments again. Torn ligaments in one ankle and a fracture in the other (which I remember feeling relieved about because it ment I could honorably stop drill-blocking a 270-pound defensive end). Repeated rib fractures and cartilage tears (usually carried, again, through the remainder of the game). More dislocations of the left shoulder than I can remember (the last one I played with because, as the Calgary Stampeder doctor said, it »couldn´t be damaged any more«). Occasional broken or dislocated fingers and toes. Chronically hurt lower back (I still can´t lift with it or change a tire without worrying about folding). Separated right shoulder (as with many other injuries, like badly bruised hips and legs, needled with morphine for the games). And so on. The last pro grame I played – against Winnipeg Blue Bombers in the Western finals – I had a recently dislocated left shoulder, a more recently wrenched right shoulder and a chronic pain center in one leg. I was so tied up with soreness I couldn´t drive my car to the airport. But it never occured to me or anyone else that I miss a play as a corner linebacker.

By the end of my football career, I had learned that physical injury – giving it and taking it – is the real currency of the sport. And that in the final analysis the »winner« is the man who can hit to kill even if only half his limbs are working. In brief, a warrior game with a warrior ethos into which (like almost everyone else I played with) my original boyish enthusiasm had been relentlessly taunted and conditioned.

(John McMurtry)

College entrance exam –
football player version

Time Limit: 3 WKS



1.What language is spoken in France?


2.Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions -OR- give the first name
of Pierre Trudeau.


3.Would you ask William Shakespeare to
(a) build a bridge
(b) sail the ocean
(c) lead an army or
(d) WRITE A PLAY

4.What religion is the Pope?
(a) Jewish
(b) Catholic
(c) Hindu
(d) Polish
(e) Agnostic
(check only one)

5.Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?


6.What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?


7.How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)


8.What are people in America's far north called?
(a) Westerners
(b) Southerners
(c) Northerners

9.Spell – Bush, Carter and Clinton
Bush:
Carter:
Clinton:

10.Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.


11.Where does rain come from?
(a) Macy's
(b) a 7-11
(c) Canada
(d) the sky

12.Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
(a) yes
(b) no
if you answer »yes«, please do explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity below:


13.What are coat hangers used for?


14.The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?


15.Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.


16.Where is the basement in a three story building located?


17.Which part of America produces the most oranges?
(a) New York
(b) Florida
(c) Canada
(d) Wisconsin

18.Advanced math. If you have three apples how many apples do you have?


19.What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?


20.The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)?
(a) B.C.
(b) A.D.


Name:

*You must answer three or more questions correctly to qualify

Football is a game for strong people:
anyone who can sit for hours on a cold seat,
eating peanuts, can't be a weakling.

EVAN ESAR
QUIPS AND QUOTES

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